(This is a long one, but I promise it's worth the read!)
One year ago today, we were in the hospital in Salisbury, Maryland, meeting our little Elisha James face to face for the very first time. Where has the year gone?! All at once it feels like just yesterday and so incredibly long ago. I look at pictures of EJ in awe at how much he has grown and changed. I look at pictures of Josh and I and think of how clueless and inadequate we felt those first few weeks (thank God for my mom aka the baby whisperer coming to stay with us for the whole first month! she's an angel) and I think of how far we have come as parents. Not that we're perfect, but when we look at the happy and healthy little guy we get to do life with we can't help but feel like proud parents.
Giving birth is such a crazy experience. I now fully understand why certain African cultures celebrate women who give birth with a ceremony fit for a warrior coming home from battle. It's hard work! The best way I can explain it is that it's kinda like you are about to run a marathon that you only trained for by reading a book about running and on top of all that, you don't even know when exactly the race is going to be. The days leading up to it are filled with constant thoughts of "oh my gosh was that a contraction?" and "please God, let this be the last bump selfie I take".
My pregnancy with EJ was incredibly easy. I only had "morning" sickness a few evenings when I was 8 weeks along, I was able to wear most of my normal clothes well into my 7th month and, apart from being really tired and rather emotional, most days it was actually pretty easy for me to forget I was pregnant because I felt so normal (that is, until I looked down and saw my bump or felt EJ kicking!). So part of me thought that because my pregnancy had been so easy that, naturally, my labor would be just as smooth and drama-free.
Mm, not so much.
I've never really shared EJ's birth story before, besides with family and a few close friends. It was so intimate and powerful and slightly traumatic that, at first, I just didn't have the words to write it down or even feel like I was ready to share. But looking back and seeing how God was totally with us in that hospital room, helping us greet this amazing kid and protecting him every step of the way, I realize it's a story I have to share. My hope in sharing it is that it would first and foremost glorify God, because EJ's birth really was a miracle, and that my story reaches out to someone who just needs to know that, no matter what they're going through, they're going to be alright. That they can trust God even with something as big or scary as giving birth. If I can even encourage one person through this story, it will be more than worth it to share.
Even though he was born on February 25, EJ's birth story really began on Monday, February 23. I woke up that morning feeling a new sensation in my belly, but not really thinking anything of it. My mom had just gotten in town the night before and she was more than ready for her first grandson to be born! I was desperate to have this baby and not be pregnant any longer, especially because my midwives would tell me how close I was to labor every week during my appointments for the last month of my pregnancy. My mom and I decided to make ourselves busy that day, so we had lunch with Josh's parents and then went to buy some last minute baby gear and some groceries so we could bake our (my) stress away. As the day progressed, I kept feeling cramps but they were so similar to the braxton hicks (pre-labor contractions) I had had in the weeks leading up that I really thought nothing of it. It wasn't until later that evening that I really noticed a pattern in them, about 6-7 minutes apart, that we decided to head to the hospital that was about 30 minutes away from our house.
Long story short, after walking around the hospital for about 45 minutes, I ended up getting admitted with contractions at 4-5 minutes apart when suddenly, they just completely stopped. To say that I was upset was an understatement. I cried (mostly out of frustration) at the thought of having to leave the hospital without my baby in my arms. I had an amazing nurse named Sarah and she prayed for peace over me and hugged me and with that we were sent home just after 12am to rest. Even though we had spent a good chunk of the evening in the hospital, I came home and had the best sleep of my entire pregnancy (God was totally trying to prepare me!). I slept so well, in fact, that I didn't even get up once to pee that whole night, and that never happened!
The next morning I woke up around 11am and felt so rested but a little frustrated that I was still pregnant. I wanted to meet my little boy so badly! I got dressed and ready for the day and noticed that my contractions were picking back up. I timed them and they were around 10 minutes apart and still pretty faint. Just another false alarm, I thought. Because it was a Tuesday, I had my regularly scheduled weekly appointment with my one of my midwives that afternoon. She was off duty the night before so I filled her in about everything that had happened. By the time she was actually checking me, my contractions were closer together, at 7-8 minutes apart. She reassured me that I was definitely going to have my baby that day, that I shouldn't even bother driving all the way back home. I wanted to cry when she said that, it almost felt like a sick joke because I wanted it so badly. But my mom agreed with my midwife and we decided to take her word for it. We had lunch in the city and walked around the mall near the hospital for a little bit. It sure as heck beat driving 30 minutes just to be sitting at home, waiting.
As we were walking around the mall a few hours later, I noticed that my contractions were getting a little stronger and closer together, around 5-6 minutes apart. It was 6pm and I knew that Josh was just getting off work at the time, so my mom and I decided to head to the hospital (not before stopping at Starbucks, of course!) so I could walk around with Josh, hoping to get something moving along. As soon as we parked and got out of our car to walk into the hospital it started snowing. I couldn't believe it! Josh was about to be on his way and the snow was starting to really come down. We got inside and sat in the lobby while I called Josh to let him know we were there and to drive safe. As soon as I hung up I heard something pop, like the sound of a balloon popping. Instantly I felt that my water had just broken and was trickling slowly down my leg. All at once I got so incredibly excited and nervous because I couldn't believe it! I was finally going to give birth! What's even cooler is that, unbeknownst to me at the time, my good friend was a few time zones away also heading to the hospital to give birth to her baby boy.
We walked to the elevator to get to the labor and delivery floor, and if my contractions were at a pain level 5 out of 10 before my water broke, they were most definitely at a 15 after my water broke. They were coming on so strong at 3 minutes apart and I could hardly breathe through the pain, let alone walk or talk. Some of the nurses recognized me from the night before and instead of checking me in at the triage they immediately had a room set up, almost like it was waiting for me. They asked me for a urine sample, so I used the bathroom in my hospital room and that's when I saw it. I saw that EJ had had his first poop while still in my belly. My heart sunk. I immediately started crying and yelling for my mom and the nurses to come help. Josh hadn't arrived yet and I wanted nothing more than for him to be there by my side. I panicked. My mind instantly went to all the worst case scenarios that I had read about and I had to force myself to choose to trust God. To trust that everything was going to be okay. To trust that He's never surprised, that He's for us and not against us, that He knit EJ in my womb and knew every hair on his little head and that He already loved him infinitely more than we ever could.
Josh finally arrived around 7pm and he never once let go of my hand. We knew that EJ had to come out soon, but I just wasn't progressing at all. My mom was pacing the floor, reaching out to her all her friends to pray for our little guy. Around 8pm I got an epidural and we decided that it would be best to get a low dose of pitocin to try to speed up my progression and get him out safe and healthy. I tried to sleep, knowing I had a long night ahead of me. About an hour later, a few nurses rushed in our room because I had spiked a fever and it was distressing EJ. I was shivering uncontrollably, even under all the blankets. They gave me tylenol to reduce the fever and I tried to go back to sleep. Not too long after, they came back in because my fever had spiked even more, and both me and EJ's oxygen levels were going down. The combination of the fever, the lack of oxygen getting to my lungs and everything else left me in a haze and everything was so foggy. It was hard to grasp what was going on. They put an oxygen mask on me and told me to focus on breathing deep. We were finally stabilized for while, but our levels plummeted a couple more times in the following hours, causing concern to my nurses and midwife.
Around 1:30am they decided to come check me to see how I was progressing. They asked me if I felt any pressure and I said I did a little bit, and my midwife was shocked at the fact that I was already at 9.5cm! Usually they wait until 10cm to start pushing, but she said that I was so close that it was time to push! It all happened so quickly. They rolled the light above me and Josh and I held my legs in position. I couldn't believe it was actually time! Josh was beyond excited. So excited in fact, that he probably said "push, push, push" at least about a hundred thousand times. After almost an hour and a half of pushing with every contraction that came, I was getting so exhausted. I didn't think I had very much more to give, but I was reassured by everyone that I was so close, that they could see his fuzzy little head! My midwife then explained to us that when EJ came out, they didn't want him to cry until they had sucked everything out of his nose and mouth because of the huge risk of him breathing in his own poop that was sticky as tar and that could cause his lungs to collapse. But, the longer babies go without oxygen, the more possibility of brain damage there is. It was such a fine line that even a millisecond too long or too short could have terrible outcomes. Yet again, it was another opportunity presented to us to choose to fully put our trust in God, that He would protect our little guy.
I ended up pushing for a little over two hours and at 3:41am on February 25, Elisha James Hardt was finally born and we finally got to see all 8 lbs 7 oz and 20.5 inches of him. What I didn't know until later was that the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and he looked almost blue and lifeless when he first came out. As my midwife was trying to hand him off to the nurses, the clamp that was on the umbilical cord was stuck to her and she had to quickly unclamp herself so that they could suction everything out of him. Every millisecond counted. When I finally heard his cry, it was crystal clear and the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. EJ was actually here and he was ours! Josh cut the umbilical cord and started talking to him and his crying immediately stopped. He recognized his daddy's voice, and it was the most beautiful moment. When I finally got to hold him, he latched on immediately and we instantly bonded. Josh and I were crying tears of joy and unbelief. He was our little gift from God, and God handpicked us to be his parents. What an incredible feeling!
Because EJ's birth was traumatic and so many things could have gone wrong, they kept a close eye on him and ran tests through the night. With every test, Josh, my mom and I prayed and thanked God in advance for the good reports of a healthy boy. And you know what happened? Every result came back that he passed with flying colors! We were beside ourselves until we heard how our friend's birth had ended up. Their sweet little boy, Judah, had also taken his first poop in her belly and it caused his lung to collapse. Our hearts sunk and we were in shock as we read that they had to helicopter him to a nearby hospital. How was it that we were just in the same situation but here we were holding our perfectly healthy boy? I felt so terrible for them, I couldn't bring myself to share too much on social media about EJ's birth because I didn't want them to feel like we were the constant reminder of what could've happened if things hadn't gone wrong.
Needless to say, I had a lot to process in the first few days and weeks of EJ's life. Not only processing being a mama for the first time, but in seeing update after update from our friends on the progress of their little guy I couldn't help but feel almost guilty for having gone through the same thing but with a completely different, positive outcome. But I'm happy to say that today, little Judah is a happy, healthy 1-year-old and you would never be able to tell that he went through such a tough battle in the hospital the first 6 weeks of his life. He truly is a little miracle! But at the time, all I could do is weep. Weep in thankfulness for EJ's precious life, weep in sadness at the situation our dear friends were in. And even though I didn't and still don't know why it happened to them and not us, I know for a fact that Jesus was doing the same thing - He was rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who wept. That's who He is y'all! He truly is the most amazing friend, closer than a brother. I have never leaned in to Jesus as much as I did in my first 3 months postpartum and I truly believe that my choice to lean into Him and receive His mercies that are new every morning and his abundant grace kept me from the downward spiral of postpartum depression. I don't say that to brag about how strong I am or to say that I'm so above postpartum depression, because I know that it is a very real thing that many women go through. I share that to give new mamas and mamas-to-be hope.
My heart in sharing this is not to strike fear about giving birth in anyone, but instead to glorify God and encourage you to trust God in every circumstance - no matter how scary or unknown or seemingly impossible the situation. Even when everything seemed to be going wrong with EJ's birth and nurses were preparing us for the worst, He was in control. He really loves us and He really is as good and as faithful as you could ever imagine.
Today EJ really is the sweetest kid there ever was! He's walking around, waving and blowing kisses at everyone he sees. He loves being outside in the sunshine and swings are his happy place. He chats at everyone and everything and has such a big personality! Today we celebrate one year of this strong-willed, curious, adventurous, funny little guy being in our lives and what better way to celebrate than to remember what a miracle his little life is.
Happy birthday EJ! We love you so incredibly much!
xo Kristina
